Blame-shifting won't help

Friday, February 12, 2010

Well, this news from Port St. Lucie, FL (though it truly could be Anytown, USA) has me shaking my head. Not because I can’t believe it, but because I’ve seen this before, and the problem just seems to be getting worse...

A Port St. Lucie 1st-grade student was handcuffed and committed to a mental health facility because of her classroom behavior, and her parents are furious that the school took such extreme measures.

...Deputies said... Haley got upset and stormed out her classroom when her teacher asked her to do something. The report said it then escalated into a temper tantrum in the principal's office.... [A] deputy said Haley was out of control... she "kicked the wall, went over to the desk and threw the calculator, electric pencil sharpener, telephone, container of writing utensils and other objects across the desk."

...A deputy was called to the school [the next day] after Haley had another tantrum in the classroom and principal's office.... The sheriff's report said she was yelling, throwing things and hit the principal, who is 8 months pregnant. This time, she wasn't handcuffed. She was committed to a mental facility.

Wow! So, the parents surely took action to get their angry child some help, right? Surely they apologized to the school for never showing up to the “several” meetings school officials have attempted to have with them. Surely they didn’t make the problem worse by saying this incident was all the school’s fault, right?

Wrong, of course.

"I was terrified," mother Kathy Franklin said. "I left work crying, terrified. Where is my baby? What are they doing with my baby?"
Haley's parents said their daughter has a temper problem...

Gee, I’d never have guessed...

... but has no history of mental illness. Her mother said the school should have called her so she could pick up her daughter rather than have her committed.

Right, because obviously, you are so effective at parenting and have taught your daughter that throwing things at teachers and hitting pregnant women is unacceptable.

"They have looked at her here," Franklin said of the New Horizons mental health facility. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with my child. I work in daycare. I know what a child that has problems -- you know, I know how to deal with them. I know what they act like."

Yes, I’m sure you do know what they act like, because you have one at home! However, you clearly don’t know how to deal with your child. The fact that she was taken away in handcuffs and the NEXT DAY did the same, cements the fact in my mind that she does not understand the seriousness of her situation.

This child is only 6 years old, so it would be difficult for her to show a “history of mental illness,” anyway, especially since her parents seem to be excusing all this behavior. A child who blows up when given instructions by an authority figure has issues with authority. I wonder, how many domestic incidents have these parents had with their little girl?

Sir and Madam, I’d like to offer you some words of advice: seek help for your daughter immediately! This is NOT normal behavior, therefore, extreme measures may be warranted. You cannot expect the public school system and teachers to effectively correct behavior you are not willing to correct at home. You were sought out to correct this problem and you didn’t show up. These teachers and principals are there to teach, but they cannot do so until you hold up your end of the bargain and provide effective parenting and DISCIPLINE at home!

I am sorry that your daughter was taken away in handcuffs. I really am. But based on your comments in the linked article, I believe you would have been angry regardless of the method used to stop Haley’s behavior.

The problem I mentioned above that seems to be getting worse is this: lack of parental involvement. I know parents have to work. I know they can’t be there every second of every day for their children. But parenting involves more than simply feeding and clothing your children and shipping them off to school, fingers crossed, in hopes that someone will fix their underlying issues. What your kids need is YOU. They need time with you.

Maybe Haley is acting out because of some deep-seated anger, or maybe she actually does have an undiagnosed mental disorder. Maybe she is acting out to show you she needs boundaries and desires your attention. Regardless, I will reiterate: this is not normal behavior. Get her some help, and get yourself to some parenting classes. There are no perfect parents, and we need the wisdom of others, at times, to help us. Please. Your daughter’s future is at stake, and she needs you. She needs your love, not your excuses and blame-shifting.